The holidays were not particularly fun for me. My marriage went through some heavy turbulence and was headed for the rocks. Amazingly, I pulled out of the nose dive and things have stabilized to the point that I feel comfortable writing about it.
I encourage anyone who is experiencing marriage conflict to look deep inside themselves and make the necessary steps to internalize permanent change. When I looked at the research, I saw that my marriage had multiple statistical risk factors for divorce. Basically, I was living in the eye of the storm.
On an upcoming episode of Parenting Within Reason, I will interview marriage expert Stephanie Coontz. Her book A Strange Stirring contained a science-based chapter that really reflected the problems I was experiencing. I thought I’d share these warning signs (borrowed straight from Stephanie’s book) as a cautionary tale.
- Marital quality suffers when wives who do not want to work are forced into employment.
- Marital quality suffers when either spouse is not satisfied with their job.
- Couples in which the wife works solely because of financial constraints but would rather stay at home have experienced declining marital satisfaction since the 1980s.
- When wives hold high standards for equality of housework and their husbands do not meet their expectations, they report worse than average marital satisfaction.
- Marriages in which one partner earns all the income and the other stays home are now more likely to split up than marriages where each partner works.
It was really depressing to read those risk factors for low marriage satisfaction and to realize that circumstances had put me on the path to danger, but I also saw some hope in the science. It dawned on me that I could recover from my situation if I were willing to commit to lasting change. So, I weathered the storm, put in the effort to find a job (after five years of being an at-home parent), made it my duty to be a better house husband, and uncharacteristically crossed my fingers that my marriage would stay intact.
It speaks a lot to our progress that I’m willing to even write this article. I understand that it’s difficult to make fundamental permanent changes in behavior, and I acknowledge that, despite our apparent progress, my wife and I will need to work on recovery. But for now, I feel like the storm has passed and that sunnier skies are in our future.